Save Me

As I walked from my hostel, all I could think about was how people looked at me. You see, I was heading over to see my boyfriend in his hostel and I had decided to wear something quite sexy for him. Not wanting to draw attention, I wore a dark blue double-breasted blazer over my sexy silver ensemble. I was going to surprise him as it would be his birthday the following day. It was a Thursday, and I knew he would spend the day partying with his friends; at least, that was how he chose to spend his last birthday.
Klein and I have been dating for over a year now, and I would like to think I knew what he wanted. As I walked along the cabro paved paths past the hostel complex, I couldn’t help but remember how we got together. I was going for a zoology exam that I was ill-prepared for when he approached me and told me about the exam. I had seen him in class, but I hadn’t noticed him. I must admit that it was not the perfect meeting because I wanted him to leave me alone. He insisted on sitting next to me during the exam, and I didn’t want anyone seeing me turn in the paper with no clue about anything on it. I thought he was self-absorbed and a little arrogant too.
I had gotten entirely lost in my thoughts that I didn’t notice that was at the entrance of his hostel. My high heel strappy sandals clicked as I walked across the hall to his door. I knocked just below the number 6 on the door, and I waited to hear a response. I was hoping he would be in the room, but after a couple of tries, I decided to call him to see if he had any plans for the evening. I tried him a couple of times, and he wasn’t picking my calls. Maybe he is hanging with his poetry friends?
I usually get agitated when I couldn’t reach him, but I chose to remain calm and think of a solution. I didn’t want to remain standing at the door, so I decided to take the back door and think of a solution before giving up on the night entirely. I was starting to get a little chilly as I was inappropriately dressed to be outside. My thighs were frozen, and I couldn’t feel a thing. The looks I was getting from people walking past me made me even more conscious about the length of my clothes.
Aha! I knew who I was going to ask. I took the stairs to the third floor of the hostel and walked to the second last door of the hallway. Greg’s door was on the right, and I knew that he would be in his room at this time after his rugby practice. He was Klein’s friend, and I knew that he would be able to tell me if he had seen him the whole day. The boys in my school had no secrets from each other. They were like a connected swarm of bees that shared information whenever they were together hence my suspicion that he would know where Klein was.
I knocked and waited for a response. I heard a shuffle inside the room, and a few seconds later, he opened the door. Greg was taller than me, but I was surprised that he didn’t seem as tall today because of the heels. He ushered me in and locked the door behind him. He didn’t seem like he was coming from rugby practice. He walked to the study corner to the left of the room and sat on his chair. There was a pile of papers in front of him that I couldn’t quite make out.
“Hello, Violet. Nice of you to visit,” he broke the silence as he signalled me to sit on the bed to my right.
The hostel was one of the best as each room had two people sharing. There was a bed on either side of the room with a study table on each side. There was a study lamp above each table, and that is all that was illuminating the room. It was almost seven, and the open window let in the last of what might have been a beautiful sunset. I was still standing by the door as I wondered why he was so cold. I was expecting at least a handshake before he moved to the other side of the room. I brushed it off because I was just here to find out about Klein.
I sat on the bed and crossed my legs, hoping to at least get warm. I rubbed my palms across my thighs to get warmer, but nothing seemed to be working.
“Hey Greg, sorry to bother you but I wanted ask you something.”
“You seem cold, should I close the window?”
“Yes please, that would be helpful.”
He rose from his chair and closed the windows, and drew the blinds. My lips froze as I wanted to say what brought me, but I chose to watch him. It got a little bit darker because the lights illuminating the hostels was now obstructed. The only light in the room was the one above his workspace. He sat on the opposite bed straight ahead and waited for me to speak.
Picking the cue, I said, “I was wondering if you knew where Klein was. I tried calling and he isn’t receiving my calls.”
He searched my face and casually told me that Klein might have gone on a school trip with his classmates. His roommate was his classmate, and he had left in the wee hours of the morning and said that he would not be returning that day. I was shocked because he hadn’t told me anything like that when I last saw him, but then again, that was four days ago. I started to get agitated, and I didn’t know what to do because that information threw me off completely. My plans for the evening were ruined, and I didn’t know if I would get a hold of Klein that evening.
Greg looked at me the entire time, and I was starting to feel embarrassed for coming here. He must think that I am a loser because I don’t even know where my own man is. My mind wandered off again as I remembered the day Klein and I had spent after the zoology exam. He walked me around the school twice as we talked about anything and everything. He was interested in what I had to say and ended up spending 12 hours walking and talking with him. I remember enjoying his company, but I didn’t think I would ever be attracted to him in a million years.
I was still new in the university, and I knew that I was not naïve. There was no way that many would just come up to me, butter me up with a few sweet words, and I would fall head over heels for him. That was many girls, but I had vowed it would never be me. I had never had a boyfriend before, and I knew that I didn’t want one, especially at this point. I needed to let him down gently and tell him that we could just be friends. He told me he was fine with it and said he was okay if we remained just friends.
I was startled by Greg calling my name repeatedly. I didn’t even feel as a tear fell from my eye and onto my blazer. I stood up from the bed, ready to go back to my hostel, as there wasn’t any reason for me to stick around.
“Do you like art?”
“What?”
“I was just drawing something before you came by and I am asking if you might be interested in seeing it.”
I wasn’t sure why he thought I might be interested in seeing his work. Maybe he had seen me shed a tear and was feeling sorry for me.
“Thanks, but I don’t think I should. It getting dark and cold and I would like to get to my hostel before curfew.”
“I have a warm hoodie for you if it gets too cold, I am just offering some company. You appear to be dressed up and your roommates will wonder why you are back so soon after all the effort you put in.”
He had a point. I was excited the whole day and spent hours doing my make up and getting ready. People had seen me leave, and it would be a shame if I returned thirty minutes later to remove it.
“Okay. What are you working on?”
I moved some of his art books and sat properly on the desk. He let me see some of his artwork and was fascinated by the passion in them. I always wanted a tattoo, and he had a dozen of charming pieces.
“Your pieces are very unique. I wish I had the courage to get something so permanent on my body.”
“I could draw you something which can help you decide if you want.”
“Sure. I would love that.”
He picked the papers in front of him and placed them on the bed. He ushered me to move in front of him. Sensing my hesitation, he said, “I have a design for you and it would be better if you saw it on your own skin.”
I was scared but excited to see what he would come up with. I sat in front of him and placed my feet between his legs. He got a pen and looked at me for approval to touch me. I was still cold when he picked a cotton pad from one of the drawers and rubbed alcohol on my thighs to remove the oil on my body. He gently rubbed his hands over my thighs to warm me up so that he could start drawing. I could feel my feet once more from the warmth of his sweatpants, and it was slowly spreading upwards.

Dear Future Husband

Hi. Before I say anything, I’d like to say I’m sorry. I am sorry for so many things in my past that may have pushed our meeting further down the road. I acknowledge that I haven’t been exactly deserving of you lately with how I’ve been acting. However, it’s all worth it because you get the best version of me. The one that knows how lucky I am to have my heart walking around in another human. The day I meet you will definitely be one for the books. I think the sun will shine brighter, and it will be as if we are the only people in the world. I will tell you my story, and you will tell me yours. We will fall in each other’s arms, and the comfort of knowing that we are home will erase all the hurt and pain we have endured.
We shall lay out all our goals and expectations, knowing full well that life isn’t that simple. But that’s okay, though, because I know me, and you will stumble and fall but never remain down. We will dream crazy dreams, dreams that will scare the sh*t out of us, but that won’t stop us. We shall talk about and meet each other’s family, and crazy as they may be, they will love each other regardless. In case they don’t, boohoo. That’s their problem because it’s me and you, dude, till we die.
I will love everything about you. The dry jokes, your quirky smile, your nerd tendencies, your lame fashion, your scruffy beard – I will love all of you. I will have waited such a long time to give myself to someone, and now that I am with the right person, I am going all in. I promise when we do this, I will have worked on my walls and trust issues. You don’t have to worry about my past because they were practice for me to love you better and more profound.
We shall travel every part of this planet together, arm in arm. I want to experience summers, winters, falls, and springs with you. I want to try new foods with you. I want to start new hobbies with you too. I want to wake up every morning right next to you. You will be my home.
For my Lovey, I’m not ready for you. If you met me now, I would hurt you, and I can’t have that. I have to work on myself and make sure you get to know the best version of me. I want to get my money right to spoil you as much as I know you will me. I want to be the woman you deserve.

See you soon.

Love,

Sandra

How to keep a relationship alive

1. Communication – Talk things through with the person you love as that could be the fine line between breaking up and being stronger. I feel like this is the most important part of being in a relationship because it is the only way we get to learn about each other.
2. Honesty – There is no point of being together if you are constantly hiding the truth from each other. As they say, the truth will out and as we know, trust is like a mirror, when it breaks, it can be repaired but the cracks remain.
3. Faithfulness – Making your partner the only one you have eyes for will not only make them feel special but it will prevent you from death by STD. It is no longer safe out here guys.
4. Support – When it comes to decision making, it is important to appear as a united front to avoid external interference. It is also good to note that when your partner has your undivided support, they thrive and grow as well. Two heads are better than one.
5. Making time – Spending time with each other alone or otherwise is good for the relationship because it shows a level of commitment and interest in the other person.
6. Forgiveness – Mistakes are inevitable even in the best of relationships and being able to let bygones be bygones will ensure the relationship lasts an argument longer.
7 .Compromise – It is often better to lose the battle but win the war. If something cannot be decided upon by the both of you, one has to take a step back or both parties change their mind.
8. Appreciate – Complement and notice the little things about each other, they are the most important.
9. Friendship – Be friends first before anything else. That is what shall keep you together when everything else fades.
10 Unconditional love – Above all, be in love with each other as you first were. Make efforts to rekindle the love when it burns a little low and all will be well.
Love Sandra,
XoXo

Valentine’s Day

Love for a day or love for a lifetime? This question can definitely be answered in two ways…both.

If I was asked, I would ask for a lifetime. I would like plenty of days and years to spend by your side. I would like plenty of moments to relish your lips on mine and hands all over me. It will be an eternity before I have had enough time to spell out the four-letter word for you. I don’t just want to be with you, I want to feel you… smell you… taste you… listen to you… speak to you… I want to know you for a long time. There are things that I have never told anyone before but you will get me to open up like a flower. I will be scared about what this means but I will trust you. I will always think of you, even when you are lying right next to me. I will no longer be afraid of the floods of emotions because I know that with you, my heart is in safe hands. I will hate it when you bring me flowers but I will always smile. I will hate it when you are late but I will smile when you walk through that door. I will cry when we argue but I will let you hug me when it’s all over. I will be mad at you for many things but I will always want you to do them again. I will never want us to be apart… where you go, I will be there… I will always be right next to you. Please my darling, make a future for me. I will love you more for it.

If He says no to a lifetime, I will ask for a day. I will be happy with just a few hours with you. I will cherish every moment I get to spend with you. My heart will beat in perfect harmony with yours as we lay there, looking at the stars and feeling the wind in our faces. I will tell you the depth of my love with my body and all that I get to give you will not need to be explained. I will kiss you with so much passion, not needing to come up for air. At that moment, I will feel like am the luckiest gal in the world because you will have eyes only for me. The magnitude of the love we make will not be measured because it is explosive. It could be called nuclear even. I won’t need a lifetime because you will already know how much you mean to me. There will be no time for regrets and wishes for do overs because we shall do everything right at that moment in time… You will look into my eyes and I will be able to see your soul. That is all the language we would need to say how much we love each other. I will take your hand in mine and since you haven’t asked me yet, I figure I get to go first. I will ask you to be mine forever, however unconventional it might be… you will protest but I will shut you up with my lips and in that kiss I know you say yes.

I know that we have many ways that they would like us to view valentines but for me it is all up to you and the way you want it to be. It is a day to some and a lifetime of commitment to someone else… Do something stupid today and regret it later in the name of love. Love is not rational, if it was how boring would life be?

It gets better

I watch the vampire diaries(hate myself for it) but i do because of the yummy male specimen. Anyway, looking at Enzo talking to Bonnie about the only thing keeping him in check from the siren’s mind invasion – a shred of faith… He says that after years of pain, abuse and abandonment, life would have to be too cruel not to allow him feel love. This got me thinking, what if we all kept faith even the size of a mustard seed? What if we trusted that one day things would get better despite of our current situations?

We have our hearts broken, we go on a rampage and ruin ten more for the one that was broken. We start going broke from our poor life choices, we steal from the ones who need it most. As humans, we never accept fate…. We want to change our situations at whatever the cost. Thing is, we end up paying an even steeper price for our tantrums.

Imagine what would happen if only we trusted that what lies ahead cant possibly be worse than what we are going through. Imagine the reward for handling our struggles with grace and integrity. I believe the universe is inclined to deal us a good hand after a bad hand or a series of them. Trust that after pain, comes relief…. after tears, comes joy…. after devastating heartache, comes healing…. after a long night, day break…. after struggle, comes mind blowing success. We have to tell ourselves to hold on just a little bit longer even if we are clutching at straws. Don’t be the person who threw in the towel a moment too soon….. Trust me you will know and you will be broken.

Perfect on paper

Many are times we pray for the right partner to come our way. Either we were hurt pretty bad by the one person we thought wouldn’t or we have never felt this love that people keep talking about. We just want the love like the one we see on romantic comedies, or better yet, the ones in Bollywood movies. Sucks for you because you know that Katrina Kaif is not married, or even in love with Hrithik Roshan….no matter how sexy they seem together  (you caught me, am currently watching an Indian movie – sue me!)
I have been in love before and despite it not working out, i believe in the sanctity of true love. I want to be in love again, whether with the same person or another person altogether i do not care, as long as it is love that consumes me. The catch however is, i just do not want to meet someone and live life like every other person….like first comes love, then comes marriage, then come children, then comes mediocre sex, then comes old age. If that happens to me then i would rather die alone.

I have matured a lot since back then when and i feel like i am somewhat an authority on amateur dating. I pray that God keeps someone for me but recently i discovered that i do not want to meet him before i had my act together. A year ago i thought i would be dead for being alone, i felt like i would never rise from the ashes but i did. I want to be in love but not right at this moment. I want to work on myself so that if that fails, i would never have to feel like that ever again. I want love but when i am better than i am today – does that make sense?

I want him to find me happy and comfortable in my own skin. I want him to know that i am better than any other girl he has or will ever meet in his life. I want him to know that i can live without him but i choose not to because he adds value in my life. I want him to respect me and I him. I want him to grow because he has me in his life because the rest of his exes just sucked the life out of him. I want us to disagree so that we can be better at communicating. I want him to worship me because i adore him. Above all, i want him to know that we are two different people made for each other.