Sandra's Tales

Regrets

We all have regrets, could be from the words you never said or the chance that passed you by. I for one have something that is constantly gnawing at me, or should i say someone. Back when i was still in school, i happened to meet a girl who was in the same class. I will call her Amber because i feel like it not for any other reason. Amber was a cool person…ever watch those high school movies? See the girl always standing by her locker and constantly rolling her eyes at everybody? That is her. We became unlikely friends mostly because we had nothing in common. Despite the clear distinction in our characters we got along okay, for the most part.

The reason i am telling this story is because i feel like i made many mistakes in my past. Most of them involved choosing the wrong friends. I have trusted so many people and totally thought i could depend on them but that didn’t turn out quite as i had hoped. Amber was always volatile..you could never tell whether that was the day she would turn on you but on had to hope for the best. I am sure you are wondering why i still thought that we were friends. “I should be smarter”,you say.I never was because i love believing that people aren’t always mean and if you push on just a little bit longer, they might just come around and turn over a new leaf.

I thought she was rad….mostly because i loved her stories. She had a pretty strong personality and it reflected on the way she spoke. One could even say she was charming. The one thing that i loved and also hated her for was the fact that whatever she wanted she had to get, disregarding anyone in her way. I always wanted to tell her off but i have social anxiety and that really just makes me stay clear of conflict. I would have loved to engage her in a war of words but that almost always seemed to be possible in my head. We were pretty close when we were still younger but as we grew older, many things changed. I remember one time she stopped talking to everyone and for about two weeks she had withdrawn into herself.

I pride myself in my ability to observe people and when she did that i could see the weakness she never wanted anyone to see in her. She was crying out for someone to see her pain but she never got that from anyone. That is my one regret. I should have been there for her but i gave into that feeling that everyone has when they want to tell themselves to mind their own business. She was my friend and she needed my help but i did nothing. She did that twice or thrice while i knew her and it only got worse. She then moved on to manipulation and vengeance which caused a lot of pain and strain in many relationships around her. I miss her and i would love to tell her that i am sorry i was not a better friend when it counted. She may be better off now but i just don’t know. I could try to find her and tell her all this instead of ranting on the internet but you know, i cant. As for the many friendships that have not worked for me through the years, i cannot say i regret any of them. Each taught me a valuable lesson that i will hold with me and hope that the memories we shared i will keep and remember you fondly by.
Love Sandra,
XoXo

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